Saying Goodbye

Last night was my last night of gambling.

Have I made this statement numerous times in the past? Of course, what other problem gambler hasn't? But last night was just . . . different. I think I finally hit rock bottom.

I was on a bit of a high after winning around $1,000 earlier in the week, which is a lot considering I am a broke full-time student with no job. Luckily I gave my boyfriend $700 of it to keep locked up, so that I wouldn't get my greedy little hands on it and take it to the casino. He's well aware of my compulsive gambling, so he understood. I told him I won it on a lottery ticket, which was complete bull. I made it on my game - the slots. I lied to him because going to the casino sounded much worse then simply winning money on a lottery ticket. He believed I had already quit gambling, so I had to take caution with how I handled the situation. You know your gambling is out of control when you have to lie about winning.

Last night, after I had went through my $50, I did something I do when my gambling obsession is at it's all time high: I walked around the casino seeing if anyone had left any money in the machines. Usually I can come up with around a dollar, which I put into a penny slot and play. I know . . . sad, isn't it? After that I was walking to my car and saw a piece of paper on the ground, which I thought could possibly be a casino slip with money on it. I picked it up and it was just trash. So this is what my life is coming to? Picking up trash in a desperate attempt for some money?

Then I had a sick realization hit me like never before. It wasn't just about all the money I had blown through the past few years, it was about the consequences that came with it. I had become a master manipulator. I became so good at lying that I was actually starting to scare myself.

The casino I go to is about a half hour from my house, and I had to constantly come up with colorful lies to go spend time there, as well as get money from my parents (who I live with). My parents are well aware of how bad my gambling has gotten after I took $1,200 from their ATM card after my dad told me to "take a little cash and go have fun". He figured I would go buy myself a new outfit, or perhaps meet up with friends for a drink. He figured I spend around $20. Boy was he wrong . . .

Slots are my cocaine. I love Cleopatra, Magic Mermaid, Monopoly: Bonus City, Pharaoh's Fortune, and Totally Puzzled, just to name a few. When I win, it feels like I just snorted a line of coke and that I can conquer the whole world! When I lose . . . it's bad. I fall into a deep depression, or go into a state of panic and do anything I can to get more money so I can attempt to win it back - which is worse.

All in all, my life has become unmanageable because of my gambling addiction, which started when I hit my first casino right before my 23rd birthday.

But I'm finally done. I'm willing to do anything to keep myself clean.